I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
