someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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