What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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