eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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