broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
