i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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