Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Houston, we have a blender
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
