your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
