I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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