I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
