She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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