I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize