I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
