Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
