Already got asked if we're dating
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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