All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
