If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
