i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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