I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize