I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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