marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
