3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize