Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im drinking this country out of the recession.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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