My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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