I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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