Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
