Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
