i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
