Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
