I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
