maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
