your parents love me but you hate me
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think my fart just growled at me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize