Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
