Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
never play flip cup with pint glasses
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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