youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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