just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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