I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
