I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
