I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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