A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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