"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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