even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
