I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
