i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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