In the future we'll all be gay
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
