hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
