I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
