Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
