i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize