I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i think i just lost a toe
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
