I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
