So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
