My liver just broke up with me...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
