Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
