she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
