Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I could fuck to npr.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
