it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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