You just made me feel so damn special
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
