I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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