you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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