When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
