Pregnant stripper...not hot.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
