Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
