Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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