Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
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