he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize