hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
