Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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